The latest question is regarding finding Joy in the Journey, inspired by a General Conference talk given this week by President Monson. Let me state right up front that this is something I am NOT good at. I have a hard time finding Joy in Journeying. I am a planner, an organizer, a researcher and careful decision maker. I start most journeys armed with information, resources and a purse full of bandaids and kleenex (and purell. and neosporin. you get the picture.) I have maps, directions, coupons, alternate routes, etc. I set goals and make lists and a plan and forge ahead. I find Joy in a Journey successfully completed. This is how I have gotten jobs, purchased homes, and (strangely enough) had my family.
My experience with pregnancy/childbirth/early motherhood are the perfect example of my "Joyless Journey Syndrome." When Eric & I decided to have kids, I thought it would be easy. I did my research. We bought a house with a yard. I planned for a nursery. I checked the safety ratings of carseats. I was pretty sure I knew how to get pregnant (ha-ha) but it didn't happen. And then it didn't happen some more. And then I saw doctors, and had lots of blood drawn, and saw more doctors and did everything I was supposed to do- and nothing. And pretty soon two years had gone by and I was NOT HAPPY. And although Eric and I definitely weren't all miserable and gloomy that entire time, it was not as wonderful as it could've been. That journey sucked. I sometimes wish now that we had been a little crazier while we didn't have kids. I wish I could've found some other joy during that time, but I am at least glad that I kept focused until I found a doctor that finally diagnosed our problem.
So then we're pregnant (well, mostly I was pregnant) and we are told there is a strong possibility that we would not stay pregnant. So the first 4 months of my pregnancy were spent in constant fear. And then just when we think everything is going to be fine, my blood pressure freaks out & I'm put on bedrest for the last 3 months before Grace's due date. Not much Joy. Then, 3 1/2 weeks before she is supposed to be born, the doctor decides that Grace needs to be born NOW (and by now, she meant after a super evil 3 day induction.) Grace is born not breathing and needs to be fully resuscitated and put on a ventilator. She has wires and tubes and I can't hold her. No-one will tell us that she will live.
One week later, she is able to come home from the neonatal intensive care unit. And while I am certainly Grateful, Prayerful and definitely Humble- I am definitely not joyful. I am more terrified that she will stop breathing in the middle of the night. Most of her infant-hood is spent with me making sure she is still alive. And then we are pregnant with Ella- so while I am Surprised, Shocked and Excited- I am not Joyful. I am terrified that the same thing will happen with her. I spend that entire nine months expecting the worst.
And everything goes wonderfully. And she is Perfect. (and then I promptly spend the next 4-6 months expecting her to Stop Breathing at Any Second. See? No Joy in this Journey either.) But she keeps being alive, and is totally healthy and happy, and her sister is equally amazing, and everything is just as it should be. I now have two children less than 13 months apart, and am WAY too busy to stop and reflect on any specific Joy I am having. I am just lucky to still be ON the actual journey, and not sitting with my head in the oven by 2pm every day. Again, I am Blessed, Thankful and Crazy- but am NOT paying much attention to how quickly time is passing.
So now they are Five and Six. They are both in school and I MISS them like crazy some days, and that is Wonderful. It gives me time to remember that I need to pay attention to how fast they are growing up and the amazing people they are becoming. And I think that now I have finally found Joy in this particular Journey. Occasionally Eric and I have to remind ourselves that they will only be this age for a very very short period of time- pretty soon they won't WANT us to tuck them in/read them stories/turn the living room into a tent city and we'd better soak in every little moment we can (and sometimes, we just want them to GO TO SLEEP ALREADY, we would like to watch The Office without 17 interruptions!) and I think I might be grateful for all the junk we had to go through to get where we are right now, which is pretty
wonderful.
(the girls, 1 1/2 years and 6 months-ish old)That was way, way too much introspection for me. I think I might need some ice cream.
2 comments:
I'm so sorry you had such difficulty with Grace's pregnancy - sure wish there was some way I could give away my (former) fertility. One took a couple of months... the other two took ONE NIGHT (literally).
I have gone through the checking-ever-three-minutes-if-they-are-breathing - in fact, that never completely goes away. Don't tell Harmony this, but I still to make certain SHE's breathing sometimes when she takes a nap.
As Harmony can testify, I get happy about little things (insert joke about husband here).
Today - had a little bird that landed on my truck's side-view mirror, and just watched me for about ten seconds before he (she?) flew off. My horse whinnied when he saw me coming. The woman on the next elliptical trainer at the gym started a conversation with me. My husband brought home the oriental chicken wrap-up from Applebee's home for dinner. At sunset, the clouds above the San Pedro peaks turned a wonderful bright rose for about 45 seconds.
Don't wait for the big stuff. I know you are appreciating your beautiful girls right now - ask them what makes them joyful, and learn from their example.I seriously think when Christ said to 'become as a little child,' one of the things he meant was child-like wonder.
I know it's the fact that I am hard-core on my period and my in-laws-from-hell are here, but I am blubbering all over this entry like an idiot.
I have nothing whitty or introspective because mascara is running down my face. Dammit Jen. I'm a total boob.
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